This topic, of how to ask for sex, has recently come up with me and my man. We’ve been together just over 5 years now, and the topic of sex has always been… a precarious one? My sex drive has always been way higher than his, but in the beginning that was largely due to him being terribly reserved and repressed. He has finally relaxed and let go A LOT, but until about a month ago, I was still conditioned to the way he used to be. I’d been rejected. Often. So I didn’t like to ask for sex, because I always felt like he would turn me down.
To complicate matters, I’ve always preferred sex to be spontaneous (who doesn’t, right?). I know that’s hard to accomplish when we are busy adults with families, jobs, school, and/or whatever other priorities we have. But asking for it, or even planning, just never feels right to me. He always goes to bed before I do, and I would try to be subtle and ask him if he wanted me to go to bed with him. But he never really picked up on the hint. Finally I had resorted to trying to be silly so I could play it off like a joke if he said no. “Do you want to sex me?” “Will you put your cock in me?” Things of that nature. We had a big talk about a month ago, when he told me that those things are very UNsexy for him and have the opposite effect than I’m seeking.
He told me that the best way to ask was non-verbally. If I want sex when he is going to bed, I should just go to bed with him and start making moves. He suggested kissing/nibbling his neck and/or earlobes. Or just going directly to his cock and start sucking it. If we are cuddling in bed, I’ll pull my hair out of the way and tell him to kiss my neck. That is one of my top erogenous zones, so it always makes me gasp and moan, which then turns him on, and things just go from there.
Since we’ve been on this non-verbal initiation, he hasn’t turned me down a single time. We are now having the best sex of our entire relationship. I can’t say it’s all due to the change in how I ask for sex, because there are definitely A LOT of other factors. But has definitely played a large part, I think. And I still do occasionally just tell him that I need him to fuck me. 🙂