The real-life adventures of a girl who is willing to try just about anything.

Monthly Archive: August 2012

In which I am interviewed and laugh a lot…

Wednesday night I had the great pleasure and honor to be a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, Wholesome Addiction. Their podcast is “dedicated to the more mature side of entertainment, and by that [they] mean porn, all forms of adult entertainment, and sex as it effects us in our everyday lives. In short, [they] are fans of the hotness.” I’m not generally one who enjoys listening to other people talk about something. I absolutely loathe director and actor commentaries on DVD special features, if that tells you anything. I’d much rather participate in the conversation. However, these guys were really funny.
I’ve been listening to Sean, The Operator, and Beef since their 7th cast, in which they discuss Mia Lee and Liza Bennett, two of my favorite bloggers. After listening to that first ‘cast, I was hooked. The next thing I did was leave this 5-star review for them on iTunes:
I went through a lot of trouble to leave this review. Not like Capt. Koons did to get Butch his dad’s gold watch, but trouble enough. That alone should speak for how much I like your podcast.
Anyway, your cast was brought to my attention a couple of weeks or so ago by Mia Lee when you mentioned her in your podcast. I have been catching up ever since. You guys are hilarious and crack me up. The perfect distraction from the mind-numbing cubicle work I do every day. You’d think that it wouldn’t be so entertaining to listen to guys sit around and talk about porn, but I really like it. 🙂
So, thanks. 🙂

It wasn’t long before I began interacting with them after that, mostly Sean, via Twitter, because he wanted to give me a heads-up that they mentioned my review. Really he wanted to apologize for messing up my name, something that has haunted him ever since. Not by me, because I got a huge kick out of it, but by The Op and Beef.

I got my second mention (much to my fangirlish glee) in episode 14 when they expressed their appreciation for my recorded #workwank.
None of that compares to my total delight at actually being able to be part of the show. It was great fun and we had a lot of laughs. I’m grateful for their invite, and I would be more than willing to do it again any time they’ll have me. I hope you enjoy listening as much as we enjoyed recording. 🙂

Guest post – VIP

Strip clubs have been on my mind lately. Roland and I haven’t been in a while, so I’ve been craving a trip. I wanna throw around some dollar bills and “make it rain” over some lovely ladies. This morning while we were discussing that we need to do this soon, he reminded me of a piece he wrote for me a while back. An incredibly hot tale he describes as “a little mix-n-match from two real lapdances and some fiction.” With his permission, I share it with you today…

I followed the dancer into the VIP area, eyes wandering over the blond hair spilling in curls down her back, hiding the strings of her red bikini top. My gaze went further down, to her slim waist and the ruffled white “skirt” barely covering her red thong, and finally to the red knee-high go-go boots. She led me to an unoccupied booth isolated near the back containing only a chair and a small table where I set my drink, and she set her purse. This wasn’t my first VIP lap dance, so I removed the keys from my front pocket to keep them from poking either of us and sat down, making myself comfortable.


She straddled my legs and sat down on my lap facing me, making small talk, while she un-tucked my shirt and unbuttoned it to the waist. That was certainly different, but then I usually wore pullover shirts, so I didn’t really think anything of it. When she got to the last button she noticed my belt buckle and made a comment about how it looked like it might prove uncomfortable for her to rub up against it. Before I could comment, she had unbuckled it and was pulling my belt completely free and dropping it to the floor beside the chair.
“You don’t have to stop there!” I joked. She paused and a wistful look came across her face as if she was recalling some memory.
“That makes me think about doing things I shouldn’t,” she teased.
“Oh, now I have to know!”
“I could lose my job,” she said as she smiled and shook her head and began to work, rocking her hips back and forth slowly to the music. I dropped the subject and settled back to enjoy the show. I could already feel my cock stiffening inside my jeans as she rubbed her ass against me.
After a moment she took my hands, originally placed respectfully at my side, and guided them up first to her thighs, and then her hips. “Excellent. Audience participation is always a nice touch,” I thought to myself. She guided my hands up to her small but perky breasts. I caressed them gently through the fabric of her top, then gave them a light squeeze. Then she guided one arm behind her and told me to untie her top. I found the bikini string and slowly pulled and the knot came undone. Her erect, pink nipples came into view as her top fell and was discarded to the side. I gave them both a gentle pinch, and she smiled – pleased with my reaction. It’s always a nice bonus when they let you touch.
She leaned in, pressing herself against my bare chest, and bringing her lips within an inch of mine, teasing me with her closeness. She was good at this. I breathed in her perfume and enjoyed the warmth of her soft breasts rubbing against my skin, my hands drifting over her back and waist while she continued to grind rhythmically against my cock.
She paused and stood up to remove the little ruffle that was covering her ass, turning around and bending over as she slid it to her ankles before stepping out of it. Then she lowered herself onto my lap again, this time with her back to me, giving me a full view of her ass cheeks as she rubbed them against me. My cock, which had previously been angled to the side, was pushed towards the middle of my pants so that I could now feel her ass on either side of it.
She leaned back into me, placing her head next to mine and breathing hotly onto my neck. From here I could see her breasts, her flat belly, and the front of her red thong. She enticingly played with her own nipples before sliding her hands down to the top of her panties. She pulled at them slightly, allowing me to observe that she was clean shaven, before putting the fabric back into place. I allowed my hands to wander to her waist, then to the outside of her thighs, testing the boundaries. I began letting my fingers drift over the tops of her thighs, making my way towards her inner thighs when she abruptly stood up again.
She turned around and faced me, then pulled the top of her thong down until it was barely covering anything at all. She traced a finger over the fabric between her legs. Then, using both hands, she pulled the thong down another couple of inches to give me full view of her pussy. It was only a fraction of a second, and the thong was back in place. I imagined I could see a glimmer of wetness in the dim lights, but it was probably just body glitter. She straddled my lap facing me again, and continued to tease and rub my cock with her crotch while I played with her ass.
She leaned in, putting her breasts in my face. Again, I took the opportunity to test the limits and boldly took a tit into my mouth. She froze and inhaled sharply – she hadn’t expected that. Had I gone too far? But she relaxed almost immediately, and didn’t pull away. I began to suck and flick her nipple with my tongue. Then I switched to the other. Both nipples, already erect, became hard as can be and I swore her breathing had quickened. She threw her head back and leaned backwards. I leaned forward a bit and kissed the top of her belly. She was grinding hard against me now. She leaned in close again. She placed one finger on my lips, then leaned in and kissed it – her finger the only thing between us.
She stood up again and turned around, gyrating her round ass at me. I ran my hands over her hips, then took a cheek in each hand and squeezed. She bent over, reached behind her, and pulled the fabric of her thong to the side briefly, teasing me with another peek at her smooth pussy lips. Back around to face me, and she straddled me again, leaning back and letting my hands alternate between supporting her at the waist and playing with her soft tits while she resumed grinding. A light sheen had begun to form on her skin. It felt like my cock was trying to burst through my pants.
Another position change. Facing away again, but leaned forward completely, bracing herself on my knees, grinding the front of her thong against the front of my pants. I played with her ass, and found my fingers wandering dangerously close to her crotch. There was no objection I could detect. I ran my fingertip down the backside of the thong, then pulled it to the side, exposing her pussy once again. Then, while her back was still turned away, I surreptitiously unfastened the button to my jeans, and returned my hands to wandering over her legs and ass.
Position change again. Grinding hard against me, leaning in close, rubbing her naked torso against my chest, breathing hotly and rapidly on my neck. I could feel my zipper opening from her constant motion. Of course me secretly tugging at the sides of my pants to open my fly further was helping it along. She didn’t seem to notice, or she didn’t seem to mind. I wasn’t really sure, all I knew was I was certainly getting my money’s worth on this lap dance.
A few tugs and grinds later, she was rubbing her bare pussy against my boxer briefs and the cock inside them. There was no mistaking now how turned on she was. I could feel her heat through my briefs now. The tip of my cock was protruding ever so slightly above the waistband. I groped her ass and caressed her back while I began kissing her neck. She bit my earlobe and pushed her hips into me, then leaned back, looking me in the eye while she played with her own tits.
I traced my hand down her chest, caressing her belly and then lightly running the tips of my fingers on the inside of her thighs. She raised herself up just a bit and I slid my hand underneath her. She lowered herself onto my open palm. Her pussy was hot to the touch, and damp with sweat. She braced her hands on my knees and leaned back, ceasing her grinding and angling her hips for better access. I traced a finger over her slit and she closed her eyes. She felt so smooth as I let my fingertips wander over her bare mound. I pushed gently as I traced my finger up and down and her lips parted slightly. She was wet. My finger moved easily to her clit and she bit her lip. Her eyes opened and she looked at me, but said nothing. I rubbed her clit, and she stifled a moan. Luckily the music in the club was loud enough to keep anyone from hearing – I hoped. We were well over the line at this point, and she would be in a lot of trouble if we were caught now.
She stood up suddenly and pulled at the waist of my pants, inching them down and out of her way. Then she straddled me again, this time only my shorts were between us. She moved her hips back and forth in long, slow strokes, rubbing her pussy lips against the bulge of my cock. The material covering my shaft was becoming wet with her juices, and the tip was poking past the elastic, occasionally brushing against her. I pulled my shorts down, freeing my throbbing dick and she continued to grind her snatch against the shaft, breathing heavily. I could barely contain myself, but continued to play with her tits, squeezing them hard. My cock was slick with her juice, and I could see my pre-cum seeping out of the tip when I looked down to watch the action.
Then, without warning, she leaned forward and kissed me full on the mouth. I held her close to me. She slipped her tongue into my mouth, all the while still rubbing her wet pussy against me. She was grunting softly into my mouth with each stroke. I couldn’t take it any more. I lifted her ass and shifted my hips just as she was about to begin another downward stroke. The head of my cock pushed into her easily. Her breath caught in her throat, and she reflexively tried to push away, but I held her tight to me. She muffled a squeal in our kiss as she began to sink down onto me. Her resistance subsided as she took me all the way into her tight little pussy, the head of my dick pressing into her as deep as it could go. She was so hot and wet. I could feel her juice run down my balls.
She kept her mouth pressed into mine the entire time as she began to slide up and down on my rigid cock. Her muffled moans barely escaped as she worked my cock like she hadn’t had one in years. Her breathing became more ragged, and I could feel her heart pound against my chest. I could feel tiny squirts of warm pussy running all over my balls. She felt so amazing, and the risk of getting caught only made it hotter. Her thrusts were getting faster and her kiss more desperate.
Suddenly, she froze and held her breath. Then she threw her head back and bit her lip so hard I thought it was going to bleed. Then I felt it. Her pussy quivered and her body began to shake. Her eyes closed tight as she barely managed to contain a scream of ecstasy. I was sure we were going to be busted, but I didn’t care. Being inside her while she orgasmed was incredible, and I was only seconds from blowing my load. She leaned in again, grabbing the back of my head and crushing her mouth against mine, releasing her stifled scream into me, thrusting her hips into me hard again and again until she finally came up for air.
She leaned back to catch her breath, all the while looking me in the eyes and slowly moving her hips up and down, her body trembling and glistening. I could not contain it any longer. The expert teasing during the dance, the steady escalation, her body quivering against mine. I released into her, flooding her pussy with my cum until I could feel it run out of her onto my slick balls. She felt me cum, and her pussy contracted around the head of my cock, milking every last drop out of me while she leaned back and smiled down at me.
I looked down to watch my cock slide out of her as she began to stand up. My cock and balls were soaked with our cum. My shaft gleamed with slickness in the dim lights. The head of my dick throbbed. Cum was running down her legs and into her boots. The red thong was completely askew, bunched up around the crotch, and soaked. We attempted to put ourselves back together as best we could. Her ruffled white cover-up helped a bit, and she used the bar napkin from my drink to wipe herself off as best she could. I was thankful that the wetness in my shorts wasn’t visible through my dark-colored jeans.
I paid her for the lap dance and did my part to make everything seem as natural as possible on the way out of the VIP room. I was so paranoid that someone had heard us, or could smell us, or that there was a security camera in the VIP that I couldn’t see. I needed to get out of there as fast as possible, especially since I didn’t want to sit around in my wet shorts. I told her that I had to leave, and that maybe I would visit her another night.
“I get off work in 20 minutes” she told me before she disappeared into the ladies room.

TMI Tuesday – Getting off

This week’s TMI Tuesday questions are about gettin’ off. When you need it, you just gotta get it anyway you can.  (For those who are innocent babies “IT” is sex)

Gettin’ Off


1. Have you ever initiated a booty call?

Of course! Who hasn’t? As I’ve been in an almost-6-year relationship, however, it has been a while since I’ve had need for that. That being said, I am in a relationship with a man, and I have other urges to satisfy at times. So every once in a while one of my girlfriends will get a call. 😉

2. Have you ever accepted a booty call?

Absolutely and gladly! While there have been some circumstances where the situation was not ideal, I have been known to be a reliable booty call at times in the past. I have always been very open and accepting of sex, and I enjoy it a great deal. I have no qualms about NSA (no strings attached) sex when the situation is right. Everyone needs to get laid sometimes, right?

3. Ever had a “friend with benefits” relationship? 

Honestly, many of my friends are FWB, or have been at one time or another. We’re very friendly like that. 🙂

How long did it last? 
The FWB that I’ve known the longest has been since we were 12, about 25 years ago. Of course, we didn’t start fooling around then. We didn’t do anything until about 7 years ago. She is probably my longest-running FWB. 

Are you still friends or acquaintances with that person? 

She is one of my oldest and closest friends. I imagine that she will be so until the day we die.


Are you still having sex with that friend?
We don’t hook up regularly, but it still happens on occasion.

4. Tell us about your best one-night stand, what made it so good?

My best ever one-night stand was a night that I’d waited years to happen. An old friend, with whom I was completely in love but with whom the timing was just never right, finally gave in to all of my seduction attempts. He played my body as if it was an orchestra and he was a master conductor. He made me cum harder than anyone had until that point. I had never been so thoroughly satisfied by anyone in my life. But apparently it was to be our undoing, because we lost contact shortly thereafter. I was heartbroken for a long time. I will never understand why he never gave us a chance and why he let our friendship go.

5. When was your last one-night stand?
If it was the 2nd time I’d slept with him in the 10 years that I’ve known him, and it’s likely to never happen again, does that count? If so, December of last year (2011). If not, then December of 2008.

6. What’s the grimiest, dirtiest place that you’ve had sex?
There are a couple of answers for this, hehe. A gas station bathroom? In the Atlantic Ocean? On the beach at the Atlantic Ocean? On my driveway?

Bonus: What’s the one random thing you wish your friends knew about you?
This is three (four), but they add up to one thing: that I’m not always right, I don’t know everything, and I don’t always need to have the last word. And that I let go of things a lot more often than they give me credit for.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Quickie in the dark

I opened my car door and was gathering my things to go inside. I put one leg outside and partially swiveled around, preparing to stand. He stepped in front of me and unzipped his jeans, releasing his semi-hard cock. In a flash, I released the things in my hands, turned fully toward him, placed my other foot on the ground outside the car, licked my lips, and took him into my mouth.

As soon as his head was beyond my teeth, I sealed my lips around his shaft and applied some light suction. He stiffened appreciatively. I released some pressure and slid my mouth down, taking him more fully into my mouth toward my throat. I did not go all the way, as I have learned that shallow blow jobs actually get better, faster results. Just a swift, deep bob once or twice is enough.

I pulled almost all the way back so that I could focus on just the tip. Moving my head only slightly, I licked and lapped and sucked. He began to thrust his hips in time with my movements. After a couple of minutes, he put his hand on the back of my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair to direct and increase my tempo. This only served to increase the fervor with which I devoured his cock.
Without warning, he took a step backward, removing himself from my mouth. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the car, turning me to face away from him. As I was pressed against the car, I bent down to quickly remove my panties as he lifted my skirt. Once they were out of the way, his fingers were exploring my wet cunt and nudging my throbbing clit. I moaned loudly into the quiet of the dark garage.
He spent only a moment fingering me before his hand was replaced by his cock. I gasped as I always do. He fills me completely and that first moment of penetration is always delicious. He fucked me fast and hard, ramming his cock in and out of my pussy. I push back to meet his every thrust.
With one hand on my hip, he reached around with his other hand to squeeze my breast roughly through my shirt and bra. When that wasn’t satisfactory, he lifted my shirt over my head, then freed both tits over the top of my bra, giving him full access to my aching nipples. 
Once again without warning he pulled away and took my hand. I thought he was going to lay me down and fuck me on the hard, dirty concrete of our driveway. Instead he led me up the hill of our driveway. My heart trip-hammered in my chest. It was late, after 11pm, so it was dark, but my neighbor’s bedroom light was on and I could see the flicker of their television through the living room blinds. If they looked out either window, we would be in full view.
Across the street from their house was a patch of darkness and I assumed that is where he would take me. To my surprise he stopped at the head of the driveway just before that. Across from our mailbox is a telephone pole bathed in a pool of light from a nearby streetlamp. He pushed me against the pole and lifted my skirt so that my bare ass was facing the neighbor’s house. My already soaked pussy flooded once more.
My exposed breasts were mashed against the wooden pole as entered me once more. I gripped the pole for balance as he pounded me harder and harder, digging his fingers into my hips, and growling in my ear. It wasn’t long before I felt his body seize up as he shot his load into my pulsing snatch. He held me closely as the last drop drained and then slowly released me as he withdrew his slick cock.
Standing there with my legs spread, I let his seed ooze out to the ground, marking our spot. It continued to run down my legs as we made our way back to the car so we could collect our things before going inside. Barely 15 minutes had passed since we had pulled into the garage.
I wished then that a camera had been available to capture the scene of our fuck for my #SinfulSunday post. Hopefully these words will suffice.

Sinful Sunday – Back scratch fever

I know I posted a similar pic a few weeks ago, but last night I was a demo dolly for a blade play demo. While this session was not as intense as the previous one, the marks are far more extraordinary this time. I just had to share them. 🙂

without flash

with flash

These marks were mostly made by his Reaver Finger Claws, which feel amazing! The claw is very pointy, but not really sharp. However, those blades are like razors! He can really dig in with the claws, but barely drags the tips of the blades.

Since my demo was so short and it was obvious I wanted more, he and his slave have invited me and Roland over to their house sometime for a more involved session. Also, he can give Roland some personal instruction and tips so that I can get some of this at home too! #happyslut

Posted in participation with Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly’s Daily Kiss.

Click below to see who else was feels the tip of ecstasy this Sunday.
 

TMI Tuesday – Pain and Pleasure

This week’s TMI Tuesday theme and questions come from Bi and Bi.

Pain and Pleasure

1. Which do you enjoy more in bed, pain or pleasure?
I enjoy a combination of both. I am fond of saying that I don’t actually like pain, that I like intense sensation. To me there is a definite distinction, because pain hurts. That being said, sometimes I like when it hurts so good. I really can’t clarify it more than that.

2. Do you like being tickled during sex? Where?
To be quite honest, I loath it. However, I dare you to tell my pussy that. I get positively soaked! Roland has recently discovered that he loves to tickle me during sex and/or during pain play. He especially likes to alternate tickles with swats or bites. It completely confuses my brain and renders me useless! All I can do is laugh and moan. Terrible, I tell you!

3. Have you ever used feathers during sex?
I have had a small feather tickler for a while now but haven’t used it very often. Unfortunately it seems like all of those things fall apart in bits. So little pieces of feather fluff end up all over the place and inevitably get on my face, which causes my face to itch and results in sneezes. NOT sexy!

4. Do you like to be blindfolded during sex? Why?
It’s not something I’ve done very often, which I hereby think I need to rectify, because I actually do enjoy being blindfolded. Having to rely on senses other than sight can be quite exciting. Not knowing what your lover is going to do next can be exhilarating as the anticipation builds!

5. Have you ever used cold or heat as part of your sex play? What provided the cold or heat?
I have used both, but not really as a component of sex play. I am VERY fond of hot wax play coupled with ice. The alternating hot/cold is one of the yummiest experiences I’ve ever had!

6. Do you enjoy being spanked, giving spankings, or both?
YES! 😀 You can see/read details of this all over my blog. There’s even a label/tag for it. 😉

7. Do you have a safeword? Have you ever used it?
I don’t have one specific “stop” safeword. We use the “safety lights”: green for more, yellow for ease off/slow down, red for stop. I have never needed to use any of those, personally, in any of my play time. I’ve been fortunate to be with tops who were able to read my body language well enough to not push me too far beyond what I can take.

Bonus: Tell us in 3-4 sentences the most painful or pleasurable sexual experience you have had.
My sexual experiences, especially pleasurable ones, run far and wide. There’s no way I could detail just one. Definitely not in only 3-4 sentences. I can obviously not do anything in such short order.
I will tell you, though, that the most painful experience I’ve ever had (on purpose) was a 55-minute session with a Violet Wand. It was sheer torture, and not in the good way! Afterward everyone, including the administrator, had no idea how much I hated every minute of it, because I was writhing and moaning as if I loved it. When I explained that I didn’t like it at all, everyone asked why I continued. My reason was manifold: I trusted the top and knew that he would not do anything to damage or harm me; I knew that he would stop at any moment that I asked him to; I knew that it would not last forever; and I wanted to prove to myself that I could endure it. I am glad that I tried it, but I will never repeat it!
————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Sinful Sunday – What’s in my bag

I’m certainly not the first to do this, but it’s something I’ve been interested in doing for a while. These are the contents of my ever-growing toy bag. I don’t have a lot of money to spend on things, so many of the items here are so-called “pervertables.” They’re everyday items re-purposed for kink! Many of those things, believe it or not, actually came from the dollar store. 🙂 Kink on a budget!

So what would you like to try first??

Along the top, I have some restraints: a leather collar connected by a leather strap to wrist cuffs (worn down the back) and hand-made leather manacles lined with bunny fur. There are 3 small bundles of rope: teal, blue with yellow flecks and glow-in-the-dark. There’s a long braided leather belt that is long enough to be used as a leash next to an actual chain dog leash. There are two cheap paddle-ball paddles still in the wrapper. A cheap cloth blindfold. A sand-filled weighted hammer that I got in a Christmas gift exchange grab bag. A roll of hot pink zebra print reusable, self-sticking bandage.

From the left to the right in a somewhat zig-zag, haphazard fashion: a handmade 3-layer slapper with the top layer being forked, a rolling pin (actually used more for back massage than impact, but it sure does look menacing), a handmade Delron cane, a rubber spatula (one of my favorite spanking implements, it feels a lot like a hand), a small sturdy cardboard tube good to use for impact on nipples and pussies, a plastic shoe horn, a black and purple buckskin flogger, a small baseball bat (also from that Christmas grab bag), a wooden ruler, 3 wooden spoons, a wooden bath brush, a cheap plastic paddle-ball paddle, a rubber ruler, a full-sized sturdy cardboard tube (from clear plastic wrap, it makes the most satisfying noises on impact), a thick rubber Asylum Rx paddle, a black suede leather flogger, a flyswatter, a Sportsheets Impressions leather paddle, a Sportsheets resin paddle with fine-grained sandpaper on one side (shown, the other side is smooth), a riding crop, and a Sportsheets rubber “tickler” whip.
Along the bottom is a feather tickler, my favorite vibe ever: a GrrlToyz Silk Touch Eggvibe Vibrator, a Feeldoe Slim, and two Wartenberg pinwheels.

Posted in participation with 

Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly’s Daily Kiss.

Click below to see who else is playing this Sunday.
 

Epic Weekend: 6 Months Later

[This is a follow-up post to the tale of my Epic Weekend. Click here for part onepart twothe finale, and Aftermath.]


It has now been about 6 months since my wonderful, Epic Weekend. Six months since he broke me, before my closest friends and perfect strangers alike. I thought that perhaps you would want an update on the situation.

The two-hour drive home on Monday was fairly intense, and not only because every time I shifted in my seat, I was reminded of the bruises that covered my ass. My mind was churning with the myriad possibilities that could go along with this new change in our relationship dynamic.

I was beside myself with excitement. I felt like a whole new world had opened up for us. While I am truly naturally dominant, a part of me has always yearned to be submissive. I like to care for and spoil my loves, do whatever I can to make them happy. Until such point as it is expected. Then it becomes a problem for me. It is said that true submission is a gift and that’s how I feel about it. I will give it freely (when deserved and inspired), but once it is demanded I have none to give.

Very few people in my life have ever inspired me to want to submit to them. I’m not very good at relinquishing that sort of control. I need someone who wants to take control and can handle it once he/she has it. I need to feel loved and appreciated in my service. And I don’t ever want to be thought of as inferior or beneath someone. It has to be someone who loves and respects me as an equal even though I choose to submit myself. That may seem like a tall order, but I know that it exists. I’ve seen it in action and I’ve been party to it.

Before the events of the prior week and including the time just after he met our Diva, Roland had not expressed any interest in BDSM. He knew of my history, my avid interest in getting involved in the lifestyle again, and supported me in it, but he professed to not have any desire for it himself. In fact, he was quite adamant about his disinterest.

But one day he had an epiphany that his attitude toward it were due to feelings tied to a previous relationship where they had briefly dabbled in the lifestyle (at his ex’s request). Having that realization wrought a change in his feelings about it and he opened himself up to the possibilities.

All of that combined to form the perfect storm on the night of our first visit to the Woodshed. Everything fell into place.

So on the drive home, we did a lot of talking. He expressed a lot of uncertainty about how far he wanted to go. I explained that I was fully willing to go as far as he wanted to, up to and including 24/7 total power exchange (TPE). In my mind I was rapidly going through all the different ways in which I could give up control to him. I kept throwing out ideas for the rules and restrictions he could place on me, things to give me structure and discipline. The littlest details made me giddy, like the thought of sitting at his feet with the other subs at the munches. I think I actually squealed with delight thinking about it.

Looking back, I think I might have completely blown his mind and overwhelmed him. Here I was, someone who’d already had experience in this area despite having been dormant for so long, feeling like I had awoken from a deep sleep, ready to jump back into life again. And there he was, having essentially just opened a door to a practically new, unknown plane of existence. He just wasn’t ready for everything I was so eager to do.

What we, or rather what I, decided to do was to just try to behave as if our relationship was TPE. I would give myself rules and restrictions, things that I felt would please him. I felt that this would give him an idea of what it would be like, without him actually having to take control and figure out what he wanted me to do. I thought it might be the easiest way to show him what it would be like.

One of the things I started doing in the first week after our trip was going to bed when he did at night, instead of staying up online for an hour or three after he’d gone to bed. I would undress him from head to toe, starting with his shoes and finishing with his underwear. Once he was naked I would kneel before him to suck his cock. Then he would fuck me on the bed in whatever position he chose, and go to sleep afterwards.

I tried to wait on him hand and foot, pouting whenever he got something for himself. I let him make all the decisions about any plans. I didn’t talk back to him or verbally spar with him as I am wont to do. I called him Sir. Whenever I got home before he did, I greeted him at the door in prostrate position.

All of that lasted for less than two weeks. He just was not comfortable with it. He said that he was used to doing things for himself. He also said he didn’t want to get used to any of it, because he felt like at any moment I would decide that I didn’t want to do it anymore. He didn’t want to try to assume control in anything, because he expected that at some point I would rebel. He couldn’t get invested because he knew I am not truly submissive.

And as much as I would like for it to be otherwise, he’s right. To me, it’s a nice idea, but I just can’t do it all the time. I am a very willful creature. And moody. I can never be any one thing all the time. I can play at submission for a time, but it just doesn’t stick. It doesn’t come natural to me at all. Despite how much I love him and want to make him happy. How much I think I would enjoy his will being my own.

See, the first thing that got me interested in BDSM was the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice, closely followed by Exit to Eden (the book, not the atrocious movie adaptation). The idea of forced submission that I would eventually abandon myself to was my supreme fantasy. I longed for a Castle or Village or Eden island resort where I would have no choice but to submit to the will of someone else. Essentially a world that does not and cannot exist at this time.

Where are we now, you might ask? Well, I submit myself to him on the infrequent occasions when he tells me he wants it, in whatever fashion he chooses. It may be that he explicitly tells me. Or he grabs me by the hair at the nape of my neck to direct me. Sometimes he just gives me a look or changes the tone of his voice. And then I do my best to give him the gift of my submission. I don’t fight it, I allow him to take it in his own way. For now, that’s how it works for us.

Epic weekend: Aftermath

[This is a follow-up post to the tale of my Epic Weekend. Click here for part one, part two and part three.]

Although it’s been a while, the tale of my Epic Weekend didn’t end at the Woodshed. What happened afterward was just as important. So now let’s slip comfortably back into that weekend, starting with the limo ride back to the hotel…

What a night it had been. I was buzzing with endorphins, my head was firmly rooted in the clouds, and the cheeks of my face would likely ache as much as the cheeks of my ass, only from smiling. In the back of the limo on the way back to the hotel, I was completely melted against Roland. Although we had a full load of 5 other people, for the ride back to the hotel nobody existed but he and I.
We had the limo driver stop at IHOP on the way back to the hotel so we could get some breakfast to go. I was in no shape to to be seen in public, or even walk really, as I was barely more than a puddle of goo. Roland went in with the others to order food and I stayed curled up in the back of the limo, smiling and sighing contentedly to myself. It took about 15 minutes for the orders to be ready and then we were on our way again.
Upon our arrival back at the hotel and before eating, I went into the master bedroom that Roland and I were sharing to turn on the water to fill the huge, pillared jacuzzi tub. There really wasn’t a whole lot of conversation while we each ate our breakfasts, at least not that I remembered. All I remember is being warm and fuzzy and floaty. And giggly. So very giggly.

By the time we finished eating, the tub was full of steaming-hot water. Roland and I excused ourselves to the bedroom and closed the door. The weekend was originally intended to be one filled with group debauchery. However, partially as a result of the unsexy news I got on the Friday before the trip and mostly because of how close I was feeling to Roland right at that moment, we spent the rest of our time that night alone.

I truly felt like a queen in this room.

He and I didn’t have much need for words at the time. We each undressed and slowly slipped into the inviting water of the tub. Of course, I could only sit very gingerly on the bottom. The hot water reignited the fire in my cheeks and made it difficult to sit in the tub at all. However, the encompassing warmth was worth any suffering.

While I washed the makeup from my face, Roland massaged my shoulders. After my face was clean, I let myself fall back against him and his arms wrapped around me. We sat like that but for a few moments before drowsiness threatened to overtake us. The hot water was just so very relaxing.

Roland broke the spell first, reaching over me to get my shower poof, loading it with peppermint soap, and then scrubbing my back and shoulders with it. He washed each of my arms in turn. Next he methodically worked the poof over my chest and breasts while still sitting behind me. When he finished, he gently nudged me forward so that he could stand, taking my hand to signal that I should stand as well. He washed the rest of my body in a thorough manner, paying careful attention to my sore behind. He put his hand on my shoulder, applied light pressure to let me know I should sit, and then he washed himself.

Once we were both clean and rinsed, Roland again took my hand and stood, pulling me up with him. Still holding my hand, he stepped out of the tub and helped me out as well. He grabbed a nearby towel and used to it to dry me off before drying himself. He stepped forward and kissed me while leading me a few steps to the bed.

I broke our kiss and spoke for the first time. I asked if he would make love to me. That sounds cheesy, I know. But generally, our sex tends to be very rigorous and sometimes rough. What I wanted that night was for him to be slow and sweet and I told him so. He agreed and lowered me to the bed.

He took his time kissing me all over my body and trailing his fingertips over every square inch of my skin. I sighed, gasped, moaned, and whimpered. My whole body was awake and tingling. Finally after an unknown length of time, he moved between my legs and slid his cock into my pussy. We moved against each other, matching rhythm, with my legs wrapped around his waist and our lips locked together.

I had been playing with clit and was getting close to orgasm. He had pulled away from our kiss, standing up on his knees and I could see by his expression that he was close as well. Looking into his eyes, I made another request, “When we cum, will you tell me that I belong to you? That you love me? And say my name?” He looked a little confused and asked me if I did not already know. I replied that I just wanted to hear him say it.

Less than a minute later, the moment had arrived. As he thrust harder and faster, he looked into my eyes and said to me, “Did you not know… that even before tonight… even before the ‘Shed… you have always belonged to me. You are mine. I love you, Tonya.” As soon as the words were said, I burst into tears and we both exploded. There is no question that it was the biggest, best, and longest orgasm I have ever had in my life. My whole body quaked and shaked and the trembling afterward seemed to last forever. He collapse into my arms and for one of the few times in our history, we fell asleep almost immediately, entangled in each other’s arms.

The next morning (which was only a few hours later, actually, as the sun was just rising when we went to sleep) we were still wrapped around each other and I’ve never felt so close to him. We could hear the others moving about and packing up to go. Roland and I were going to be staying for another day, but everyone else had to return home that afternoon.

We went for a late breakfast/early lunch with everyone. All during the meal, I was in a state to which I am completely unaccustomed: I was giggly and blushy and bashful. I was practically Velcroed to Roland’s side. I felt like a young girl in love for the first time. Jane and Lucy had both known me for about a decade and neither had ever seen me behave anything remotely close to that. Everyone teased me incessantly, even our waittress, but all I could do was giggle and bury my face in Roland’s shoulder.

After we parted ways with the rest of the group, we went grocery shopping to get stuff for dinner because we planned to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening curled up watching movies in the room. It was just a quiet, relaxing time spent luxuriating in the newfound closeness in our relationship. As we didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before, we went to bed around 10pm, but not before making love once more.

It was the best ending for the best, most epic weekend of my life.

[Please, follow along as I tell you about what life is like for us 6 months after that weekend.]

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