I started this blog about a year and a half ago, cross-posting some things I had written and posted to my FetLife account. It wasn’t until January of last year, when I posted my first Sinful Sunday pic, that I really started to put any real effort into it. For a while I was writing and posting like crazy, sometimes as much as 4 or 5 times a week.
But then the real world trumped my sexy little reverie. I have suffered with depression since roughly the age of 12, and was diagnosed as bipolar in my late 20’s. I have been medicated for brief stints over the years, but I’ve found that self-management (that does not equate self-medication) works much better for me. For the most part, I get along just fine. I’ve taught myself how not to get so completely wrapped up and carried away in the very high peaks, and how to not let myself wallow and drown in the very low troughs. I have learned the triggers for both, how to recognize the signs of what’s coming, and how to temper my reactions. It usually works to make the highs not so high and the lows not so low. It’s a very delicate balancing act. And that is just with normal everyday life events. That is just to get me by on a daily basis.
As such, when extra stressors show themselves in my life, it can throw me off-kilter. Last year started off with a series of events that essentially pulled the rug out from under me and I have been struggling to get fully back on my feet ever since. I would get as far as shakily standing, only to wobble over again. Things have mostly stabilized at this point, but it’s been really hard to jump back into it. You know how it is once you get out of the habit of doing something.
I am always hesitant to share details of my “real life,” which is a bit odd, considering how much I have shared here. It’s not for fear of leaving myself too open and vulnerable, or putting out too much identifiable personal information. I am fortunate that I really don’t have to hide anything. I don’t have any family to scandalize, I am out to all of my friends, and if my job finds out and fires me because of this… well, I fucking hate my job and would love to be fired for something cool rather than something typical.
The truth is that it’s my job that depresses me most and keeps me from posting more. It truly sucks my will to live. It is completely mind-numbingly boring. I was working on a project that was a much better fit for me, but the “needs of the business” forced me back onto my original task a few months ago. After enduring 8-9 hours here every day, by the time I get home I have no creative energy for anything. All I want to do then is zone out with silly internet games, downloaded shows, or surfing the ‘net. My brain hasn’t been used all day at that point, and it’s hard to get it jump-started sometimes. The saddest part is I don’t even have the energy to read any blogs that I follow, much less write in my own.
Added to that is the fact that in a lot of ways I feel trapped here. I make too much money (more than I ever have in my life) to just quit and walk away. Finding a job that I enjoy most likely means taking a rather severe pay cut (at least 25%). See, I “lucked” into this job. I had decided to leave my previous employment as an admin assistant and just put my resume out there to see if it got any bites. It got a huge hit because I had (limited) experience with one program (AutoCAD) that could be easily transferred to another (Microstation). Changing jobs resulted in a nice pay increase that was followed a few months later by a significant increase due to some structural changes in the company. Essentially we were being compensated for the increase in the cost of our benefits when the company merged with another. It was a great job with a great company that I really enjoyed.
A few months later, that all changed. My contracted position was being outsourced to another company, a staffing agency, because the client company wanted to save some money. The new company wanted to pay me $5/hour less than what I was making. My company worked it out that I could be moved to a different position so they could keep me. Exactly a week later, that whole team was outsourced as well, although I was fortunate to only lose $0.25/hour with that change. However, I did not like the new position at all. I just realized that was almost exactly 4 years ago. Happy anniversary to me. So I’ve been slogging it out in Corporate America since then.
I tend not to share those things because it is all decidedly mundane and unsexy. A while back when I was really in the thick of it with work drama and personal drama, I made a post about perhaps mixing some of those things in, but it just never happened. Oftentimes, while I may actually want to write about things going on, it can also be very draining at the same time. Like it’s feeding more energy into the things that I was just trying to get past. I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself, but none of it is really that bad, relatively speaking. Not to mention the fact that in general I don’t take comfort or respond to sympathy very well, which is what most people tend to offer in those situations. For me, getting through life in times like these is just a matter of survival. Letting my struggles out isn’t about seeking comfort or praise for how well I’ve come through it. I just want to plow through.
That being said, it is good to know I am not alone. I’ve tweeted a few times about this constant battle and my darling readers and followers have always been there for me to bolster me up. That always means more than you could possibly know.
Depression is a very serious affliction, regardless of the causes. As one of my favorite bloggers, Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess, says, “Depression lies.” Depression likes to tell me that I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t bother blogging, that I should just forget about it, that so many people out there do it better than I do, that nothing I have to say or show is unique or worthy. I know these things aren’t true, and that’s why I try my best to put out there what I can when I can. It’s all I can do.
The good news is that there are some fantastic new things and possibilities on the horizon. There is light at the end of the murky employment tunnel. I have a job interview Monday morning with the firm I worked for before I was outsourced. It doesn’t get me out of Corporate America, but it is a job that I enjoy and won’t involve a decrease in pay. My car was paid off as of December 26 (Merry Christmas to ME!!), and now I can divert that money to paying off some debts that will allow me to be able to make less money. Best of all is that I am in the process of getting myself set up for a sexy little side venture that will hopefully prove to be lucrative enough that I can get out of a cubicle once and for all! And then I will be back to posting with a vengeance!
To everyone out there reading this—be it from your inbox, your RSS reader, from a link on Twitter/another blog, or if you visit my blog directly—thank you. For listening. For being there. For sticking around. For all of your support. It means the world to me. And I’ll make it worth your while once again. There really is more good, sexy, naughty stuff coming in the near future. I promise!