The real-life adventures of a girl who is willing to try just about anything.

blow job

Sinful Sunday – Right in front of me

I turned from my computer and there he was. Or rather, there is cock was, right at eye level.

What’s a girl to do? What ever good cock slut should, suck him dry. And I did.

(Yes, I am still waiting on photos from the burlesque show. Soon, my dearies!)

Posted in participation with Sinful Sunday, hosted by Molly’s Daily Kiss.
Click below to see who else is good to the last drop this Sunday.
 

The usual

It begins as it often does. I exit the bathroom after my nighttime toilette to find Roland lying uncovered on his side of the bed. His cock may or may not already be hard because he’s been stroking it while waiting for me. I pull my hair back with an elastic and crawl onto the bed. I may kiss him first, either just a peck or with more passion and duration. Most often, I go directly for his cock.

I either lie on my belly or sometimes I stay up on my knees, but rest on my elbows. I rarely use my hands. I just lean forward and slowly kiss the head of his cock before licking it gently and drawing it into my mouth. Roland likes slower, gentler blow jobs, not the kind you see in most pornos where it looks like she’s trying to yank his dick off. So I take my time, running my tongue along his shaft and around his glans, teasing with my teeth, and then sucking him into my mouth again.

As I’m sucking his cock, loving the feeling of it in my mouth (especially as it hardens), my pussy grows wet. If I am on my knees and elbows, I can sometimes feel it dripping and running down my thighs. Roland usually rubs my back or glides his fingertips over my skin, giving my gooseflesh and making me moan around his cock. Sometimes he will finger my pussy and play with my clit. When the sensations get too intense for him to do much more than focus on the pleasure my mouth is giving him, he will either put his hand on my ass and squeeze occasionally, or he will put his hand on the back of my neck to guide my rhythm and tempo.

Although I love having his cock in my mouth and especially love it when I am able to make him shoot his cum down my throat, nothing compares to having him in my pussy. So once I have him good and hard, all I can think about is fucking him. Without delay I remove one set of lips and get ready to replace them with another, hungrier set.

He knows what is next and is ready for me when I straddle him. He holds his ruler-straight cock so that it is pointing upward and I impale myself on him. No matter how wet I am, how ready, how much he has finger-fucked my cunt, that first moment of penetration always makes me gasp as if my hole has never been entered by finger or dick alike. Nothing compares to that initial contact.

I start very slowly, leaning forward with my chest almost touching his, and work myself up and down his cock. Both of us have our eyes closed, lost in the wonderful feeling of joining our bodies. Because of the length of his magnificent member, I can’t take it all right from the start. I have to work my way down, taking it inch by inch, going down further each time. Finally, with my upper body almost parallel to his, he is balls-deep in my cunt.

Now that he’s in fully in there, I can really start to ride him. I don’t sit up just yet because now is the perfect moment to kiss his full, sensuous lips or blow warmly in his ear or nibble on his neck. He loves those things as much as I do and I can feel his cock tense inside me when I do them. As payback he will lean up and take one of my nipples in his mouth to suck on and then bite gently. He is immediately rewarded with my moans and a gush of wetness around his cock.

I lean back now, feeling him pierce me so deeply it hurts. Rocking my hips pushes him even further into my cunt and I bite my lip against the pain. The pain that I crave more than any other. By this point my clit is throbbing and my skin feels warm all over. I lift myself and then slam back down against him, ramming his cock against my cervix. After a few strokes he lifts his hips to meet my thrusts and I cry out. He reaches up to knead my breasts and pinch and pull my nipples, softly at first but with increasing roughness and pressure.

When I really ride him and fuck him hard, sometimes the tension in the muscles causes my hips to freeze up. He recognizes and understands that, so without breaking stride or pulling out, he picks me up and flips me over on my back. Although the pain at times can be excruciating, I ignore it and spread my legs wide. Our eyes lock as he fucks me at his own pace and rhythm, taking full control from here.

He puts my legs where he wants them. Sometimes they are bent at the knees and pushed back. Sometimes they are extended straight out as wide as they can go. Sometimes he lifts my hips and puts my legs over his shoulders. Sometimes I wrap them around his waist and use my hands to grip his ass and pull him into me harder and harder. But one thing never changes: now that I am on my back, he is pounding into my g-spot and I very badly want to cum.

I reach down between my legs so that my fingers may find my engorged clit. It’s so sensitive that you’d think I would barely touch it and then explode in orgasm. Unfortunately for me, that is never the case. Very gently and lightly I use the moisture accumulated there to rub over the tip of my clit. My cunt contracts at the first touch. For the next several minutes I glide my finger over that one spot until I feel I am almost ready.

Reading my breathing, moans, and cries as if he wrote the book himself, Roland starts to fuck me even harder and deeper than before. When he sees me speed up and press down, he increases his speed as well. My eyes are closed and I am all sensation at this point, focusing all of my concentration on my clit. At last I open my eyes to look up into his.

At that moment, he says the exact words I need to hear. “Cum for me, slut.”

My whole body convulses and shudders as my cunt grips his cock with my orgasm. I writhe and moan and cry out. Every nerve ending on my body is alive and jumping. I have been holding my breath for an untold amount of time and now I gasp as if I am breaking the surface of the ocean after being submerged. My hips buck against him and then I feel him go rigid inside me. His cock pumps hot semen into my spasming cunt and he jerks against me, thrusting reflexively and causing me to cry out again as he jabs into my tender pussy.

For a few moments we are almost stuck together. My body is still quaking with aftershocks and his finally relaxes against me. The moment he withdraws sends shivers all over my body and triggers the biggest aftershock of all. He collapses down on the bed beside me.

Slowly we manage to catch our breath and our pulse calms down. At last he leans over to kiss me goodnight. We say ‘I love you’ and then each roll over, turn off our bedside lamps, and go to sleep.

TMI Tuesday – Then & Now

Thank you to the TMI Tuesday reader who submitted the following THEN AND NOW questions. He wanted to remain anonymous.

1. What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 17 year old you?
Hahaha… ALL of it!!! I have always been very highly sexualized and obsessed with sex, but I was completely naive about so many things. When I was 17, I felt that blow jobs were very degrading and never would have deigned to lower myself for such. A year later I was doing it for my 31 year old biker boyfriend. And we all know I’m a cocksucking whore, now. 
Speaking of that older boyfriend, I also distinctly remember explaining to him why I would never want a threesome. I said to him, “I would not want to see my man with another woman, nor would I want to see my woman with another man.” Now I totally get off on those exact things!
2. What one thing might shock that younger you?
Perhaps that my 2nd oldest friend/ best friend from 7th grade would become my lover. 🙂 Of course, if she’d known about my same-sex adventures from when I was 14 and living in Missouri, maybe it would’ve happened a lot sooner! There was so much time wasted! I think our lives may have been drastically different. What do you think, Joanna?
3. What part of the younger you’s (not necessarily at age 17) sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?
My body!!! And stamina. But I’m hoping to reclaim both of those, particularly the stamina. I know I’ll never be 155 again, nor do I ever want to, but I’d settle for 175-180. 🙂 My ass and legs looked so fantastic at that weight!
4. Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?
I’ve still not had sex in a cornfield!!! Somehow when I was 14, that became the thing. Possibly because I was living in Missouri and cornfields were everywhere. It just seemed like it would be a great secret place to have sex. My friends and I would joke that it would become so hot in the cornfield that the corn would pop. So “making popcorn” became slang for having sex in my 8th grade year. 
Bonus: Give your 17 year old self a piece of sexual advice.
Practice CONSISTENT safer sex!! I can’t think of anything more important than that. I’ve been extremely lucky, considering how dumb and careless I was for so long.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Seeing eye to eye

While I am not a shoe fetishist, per se, getting a new pair of shoes has become something to be celebrated. At least when those new shoes are high heels. I am a big fan of chunky platform heels, particularly wedges. I just so happened to pick up a new pair yesterday. Last night, Roland and I got a chance to break them in properly.

Roland went to the bedroom to get ready for bed around 10pm. He came out shortly thereafter, completely in the buff. He sat in his desk chair, legs spread to show off his cock in all it’s magnificent, erect glory. I turned from my computer to ogle him and asked if he was trying to tell me something. He replied that he’d like to break in my new shoes. 

I was right in the middle of something at that moment, so I told him to give me a couple of minutes. He settled in and started viewing some porn on his computer while I finished what I was doing on mine. When I was done, I got up and went to the bedroom without any announcement. 
I quickly undressed and completed my nighttime toilette, so that I would not have to do it later. I fastened on my new shoes and threw on a cute, sexy nightie. I let my hair down, brushed it, and shook it out, so that it kind of billowed around my head in a tousled way before walked down the hall to the living room and stood in the entryway. Roland heard my heels clunk on the hardwood floor of the hallway and his eyebrows shot up once he saw me.

As he approached me, I realized that my new shoes made us almost exactly the same height. He looked me up and down appreciatively and put his hands on my hips, pulling me toward him. For the first time ever I was standing and looking him directly in the eye. Instead of me reaching up and him leaning down to kiss, all I had to do was press my lips directly to his. It was almost like kissing a stranger!

He pulled away and took my hand to lead me through the bedroom to the back door and the deck. I’m not exactly sure why, but my new shoes are always put to the first test outside in the night air. Perhaps it’s because outside the best option is to fuck while standing and we like to see if the shoes are the right height for that.

Once outside, I went directly to the railing and leaned against it, pushing my ass out. I like to hang my head over the side of the deck while Roland fucks me. It’s about 20′ above the ground. Not only does it give me a slight sense of dizzying vertigo that increases my arousal, it allows me to look over into the neighbor’s yard to see if we attract any attention. Roland came up behind me and I felt his cock press right between my legs instead of the small of my back where it would be if I were flat-footed.

“These shoes might be almost too tall,” he said. I chuckled in reply.

My laughter was engulfed in a gasp that quickly became a moan as his hand parted the lips of my cunt. I was so wet already that I not only felt, but actually heard the juices fall from my pussy into his hand. I was soaked! His cock twitched against my ass in response. With no delay he shoved his first two fingers into my hole. Involuntarily my pussy tightened up and gripped his fingers as he slid them out and in again. He fucked my cunt slowly and sweetly, making me grind against his hand and moan.

Suddenly he removed his hand and the next thing I knew, he was sitting on the deck between my legs, burying his face in my pussy. My knees grew weak once his tongue was on my throbbing clit. Never before had he licked with such fervor. He dined on me like a man breaking an untold fast. Regardless of how much he lapped away, juices flowed over his chin and down his chest. I could hear the drops hitting his skin.
I don’t know how long he was down there as I bucked and rode his face,. I knew his cock must be about ready to explode, because that’s how my pussy felt. Finally, gasping for air, he resurfaced. Carefully, so as to not knock me over, he got up. Once on his feet again, he kissed me deeply. All I could smell was my wetness all over his face. His lips and tongue tasted like me. I guess in many ways it was the next best thing to eating my own pussy. I do love the taste and smell of my own cunt.
After a few moments he broke our kiss and resumed his position behind me. I barely had a second to register the tip of his cock at the opening of my cunt before I felt it deep within. I couldn’t help but cry out and my only hope was that it wasn’t nearly as loud in the quiet night as it sounded to my own ears.
Roland fucked me hard and fast, his hands alternating between squeezing my bouncing tits, gripping my hips, and pulling my hair. He also gave my ass several stinging swats for good measure. I was in heaven.
Considering everything that lead up to that point, I’m a big surprised he lasted as long as he did. At last with a loud grunt, he dug his fingers into the love handles and held on tightly, his body wracked with the power of his orgasm. Each time his body jerked, he penetrated me even deeper than before. It was all I could to to remain on my feet. My legs felt like jelly. When he withdrew very slowly, all of my exposed flesh broke out in goosebumps as I shivered with pleasure.
Once again I felt my pussy spill, this time with his juices as well. It ran down my legs in a warm gush. One drop fell on the suede upper of my brand new shoes. The stain remains and now they were thoroughly broken in.

TMI Tuesday – Fuck yeah, it’s random

Hey, hey, hey, hey…Time to get random again on TMI Tuesday. Why? Because it is fun to know random stuff about you; it can reveal a lot about your personality.

1. Tell us about your sluttiest act ever.
I can’t lie. I’ve done some really slutty things. So many that it’s really hard to judge the “sluttiest”. However, I was recently reminded of one extremely slutty night…
Years ago, not long after I’d found a new job I went back to visit former co-workers. One of them was this hot guy, Aaron, who was the lead singer of a local cover band. He invited me out to see him play that Saturday night. I said that would be cool and he gave me all the info. After he went back inside, my friend Lucy said, “Girl, he wants to fuck you so bad! He was hitting on you so hardcore!” I was fairly astonished. Somehow I’d completely missed it! Having this brought to light completely set the tone for the evening.
Saturday night I went over to Lucy’s house to get ready. Her husband was going to drive so that she and I could drink as much as we wanted. As was appropriate, I wore my little black dress and strappy black heels. And no panties. Hey, he was hot, I was single, and I hadn’t been with a man in about four years! It was the only thing to do!
We got to the bar and I pretty much started slamming back drinks and shots as soon as we got there. It didn’t help that Lucy was buying them! I don’t know how many shots of Goldschläger I drank that night, but I’m sure I could’ve easily swallowed a whole pound of gold! And I know I lifted my dress and flashed the bartender at least once for a free shot. So it didn’t take long before I was pretty drunk.
I was really laying it on that night, dancing all sexy right in front of the stage. Aaron couldn’t keep his eyes off me! It was definitely very hot in there! Lucy still jokes with me about seeing me in action that night. It was a sight to behold, I’m quite sure.
After the gig was over, Aaron played the part of the gentleman and walked all of us to Lucy’s truck a couple of blocks away. She and her husband got inside and Aaron and I made out all hot and heavy against the side of the truck for some unknown amount of time. Finally we pried ourselves apart. Then I got the great idea that we should give him a ride to his car since he’d walked all the way over to where we were. Really, I was just angling for some more make-out time! He was quite the kisser!
We didn’t stop once we got to his car, either. In retrospect, I feel bad for Lucy and her husband for having to endure all the slurping and moaning, although she assures me that no apologies are necessary. (Especially since she more than made up for it herself in my backseat!) Once again, he and I managed to extricate ourselves from each other so that he could leave. He got out, we said our goodbyes with promises to be in touch soon, and then we left in our separate vehicles. I apologized profusely to Lucy and her husband. He was too embarrassed to really say much, but all she could do was laugh!
As it turns out, the evening was not yet destined to be over. A few miles up the road at a stoplight, I looked over to see that Aaron was in the car next to us. He didn’t even notice because we had to honk the horn to get his attention. And speaking of horn, I had it big time! I took this as a sign, rolled down the window and told Aaron that he should pull over. A few blocks up the road was a restaurant with a very dark and shady corner and he found it. Lucy’s truck had barely stopped before I jumped out of it and into the passenger seat of Aaron’s car.
Once I was in his car, my mouth was on his and I was ripping into his pants faster than the car door could close! To be honest, the exact details after that point are a pretty fuzzy haze of hotness. I do know that I didn’t fuck him then. Probably because his car was too small. (That happened at my apartment a few days later!) I also know that I sucked his cock as if both of our lives depended on it and he came at least twice. I have no idea how long I was over there, but Lucy insists it was at least 45 minutes to an hour. Since I was trashed, I can only take her word on it!
The multiple loads I swallowed must have really put me over the top, because we had to pull over several times for me to get sick on the way back to Lucy’s house. The last time I vommed was along the side of her driveway. I was so embarrassed. The next day, at least. I was too drunk to care much about it that night, hehe. The next day she and I were couched up the whole day, each with a pail while her husband nursed our hangovers. 
When I mentioned this question to Lucy, she said the answer is her. 😉
2. Have you ever played air-guitar. . .naked?
Uh, who hasn’t??? 😛
3. To what song do you most like to play air-guitar either clothed or naked?
“Darling Nikki” by Prince. Do you even need to ask why? Also the bass line from “Yeah Yeah Yeah” by The Greyhounds.
4. Are you good in bed? Why?
Yes, I am good in bed. Because I enjoy sex and I don’t take it too seriously. I mean, I take giving pleasure VERY seriously, but I believe one of the best things you can do during sex is laugh. It’s supposed to be FUN! So relax and have a good time!
Also, I do things to my lover(s) that I think feel good when they’re done to me. Every person’s body is different, but there are a lot of common factors. I’m also very good at reading body language and taking cues from my lover(s).
5. What FEELS Sexy to you–tactile sensation? (Leave sight and taste out of this)
A light touch, almost tickling, feels sexy to me. It’s actually the quickest way to turn me on. I love it when Roland trails his fingers across my skin, barely touching me. It gives me chills and instantly makes me wet.
Bonus: Write a six eight word autobiography.
Lover of life, beauty, love, and other lovers.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Quickie in the dark

I opened my car door and was gathering my things to go inside. I put one leg outside and partially swiveled around, preparing to stand. He stepped in front of me and unzipped his jeans, releasing his semi-hard cock. In a flash, I released the things in my hands, turned fully toward him, placed my other foot on the ground outside the car, licked my lips, and took him into my mouth.

As soon as his head was beyond my teeth, I sealed my lips around his shaft and applied some light suction. He stiffened appreciatively. I released some pressure and slid my mouth down, taking him more fully into my mouth toward my throat. I did not go all the way, as I have learned that shallow blow jobs actually get better, faster results. Just a swift, deep bob once or twice is enough.

I pulled almost all the way back so that I could focus on just the tip. Moving my head only slightly, I licked and lapped and sucked. He began to thrust his hips in time with my movements. After a couple of minutes, he put his hand on the back of my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair to direct and increase my tempo. This only served to increase the fervor with which I devoured his cock.
Without warning, he took a step backward, removing himself from my mouth. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the car, turning me to face away from him. As I was pressed against the car, I bent down to quickly remove my panties as he lifted my skirt. Once they were out of the way, his fingers were exploring my wet cunt and nudging my throbbing clit. I moaned loudly into the quiet of the dark garage.
He spent only a moment fingering me before his hand was replaced by his cock. I gasped as I always do. He fills me completely and that first moment of penetration is always delicious. He fucked me fast and hard, ramming his cock in and out of my pussy. I push back to meet his every thrust.
With one hand on my hip, he reached around with his other hand to squeeze my breast roughly through my shirt and bra. When that wasn’t satisfactory, he lifted my shirt over my head, then freed both tits over the top of my bra, giving him full access to my aching nipples. 
Once again without warning he pulled away and took my hand. I thought he was going to lay me down and fuck me on the hard, dirty concrete of our driveway. Instead he led me up the hill of our driveway. My heart trip-hammered in my chest. It was late, after 11pm, so it was dark, but my neighbor’s bedroom light was on and I could see the flicker of their television through the living room blinds. If they looked out either window, we would be in full view.
Across the street from their house was a patch of darkness and I assumed that is where he would take me. To my surprise he stopped at the head of the driveway just before that. Across from our mailbox is a telephone pole bathed in a pool of light from a nearby streetlamp. He pushed me against the pole and lifted my skirt so that my bare ass was facing the neighbor’s house. My already soaked pussy flooded once more.
My exposed breasts were mashed against the wooden pole as entered me once more. I gripped the pole for balance as he pounded me harder and harder, digging his fingers into my hips, and growling in my ear. It wasn’t long before I felt his body seize up as he shot his load into my pulsing snatch. He held me closely as the last drop drained and then slowly released me as he withdrew his slick cock.
Standing there with my legs spread, I let his seed ooze out to the ground, marking our spot. It continued to run down my legs as we made our way back to the car so we could collect our things before going inside. Barely 15 minutes had passed since we had pulled into the garage.
I wished then that a camera had been available to capture the scene of our fuck for my #SinfulSunday post. Hopefully these words will suffice.

TMI Tuesday – Illicit skills

The questions at the TMI Tuesday blog have always been hit or miss with me. This week’s questions unfortunately count as a miss for me (the answer to all of them is no), except for the bonus question, which I like a lot.

Bonus: Have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? What skill(s) did you perform?
I have never been explicitly paid for any service, although it’s often said that we all pay for it in one way or another. 😉 You know, go out to a nice dinner and then maybe a movie afterward. Or you go out to a bar or nightclub and buy someone a few drinks. In the courtship/dating stage anyway. After you’re locked into a relationship, either formally in marriage or otherwise, you pay for it in many other ways: gifts, sacrificing your free time, etc.
However, there was a time in my life where I seriously considered sex for pay. Okay, truthfully, I have considered it many times in my life because I love sex and the only way I could love it more is if I was getting paid for it! Even when I was a young girl I thought about it. I can remember back in the 80s one time when my mom was watching a made-for-tv movie starring Loni Anderson about a high-class call girl. I was excited by the idea of getting paid for sex, even back then, long before I’d ever actually started having sex. My mom had said to me that she wouldn’t mind doing it herself, if she could be a high-class call girl. She would never want to be a streetwalker, she said, because that’s dangerous. I can admit that even that part appealed to me. In hindsight I can see I’ve always had those darker desires, but never understood them until I was older.
Back to the question at hand: About 10 years ago I met a man online and through his dogged persistence over a few months I finally agreed to meet him and have lunch. We agreed ahead of time that he would buy me lunch and I would suck his cock afterward. I’m sure he wanted much more, but that is all I was comfortable with at the time. Our first lunch was at Bennigan’s on my meal break from work and I blew him in the backseat of his car in the parking lot behind the restaurant. And so began our infrequent lunch date tradition, of sorts. Lunch and “dessert.”
A few years later, I was going through some very tough financial difficulties. I was going to school full-time and was having a hard time finding even a part-time job that wouldn’t completely hose my school schedule. My situation was getting rather desperate. I was behind on all of my bills and rent. My roommate bailed on me. My car broke down. We were running out of food. And did I mention that I was a single parent? It was like I was living a bad country song. 
One afternoon I was talking with my lunch date friend and he offered a solution. He would set me up with some buddies of his. I would suck their cocks for $50/each. Now, not being a patron of the world’s oldest profession, I do not now nor did I then know what the going rate for a blow job was. He told me $50 was pretty expensive but he insisted to his friends that I was worth every penny. I can’t say I disagreed, then or now. As badly as I needed the money, I never went through with it. I felt that it was a very slippery slope, and not one that I wanted to attempt to circumvent. Essentially I know that I am lazy and it would be really easy to move from blow jobs to more. That is not the example I wanted to set for the child in my care. Not that I hold any judgment against those that do. It’s just not the right path for me.

Also while on the subject, I thought I’d share an anecdote from a time I was offered money. This is copied directly from my LiveJournal and was originally posted March 5, 2005. 🙂

[Quick note: The neighborhood I lived in back then wasn’t the best. There were some apartments literally next door to my house that had been raided by the DEA at least once, and that’s where this guy lived. I’d had a few other incidents with him (most notably asking me if I could watch a puppy for him for “15 minutes” that turned into 24 hours wherein I had to hunt him down, only to find him sitting on the steps smoking a rock), and he was really mostly harmless.]

The Crackhead Chronicles, Episode IV

Tonight’s crackhead story beats them all.

Earlier, around 11:30pm, I went out with my best friend to go to a couple of her offices because she had to drop some stuff off and pick some other stuff up. We got home about 1am. She came inside for a few minutes and then I walked her to the door. As she is getting in her car, who do I see approaching from the apartment steps next door? None other than our friendly neighborhood crackhead. She is in her car in my driveway with the engine running but of course waits to see what’s going to happen, if I am going to need assistance or if I am in any kind of danger.

Dude asks me how it’s going and stuff, what’s been up. I say it’s been alright and shit. Then he tells me that he has something beautiful he wants to show me and talk to me about, something good, but not with her still there. He wants to wait for her to leave. She pulls out of the driveway and right about that time my phone rings. I tell him I have to go answer the phone and he should go. He said he really needs to talk to me and that I should go answer the phone and he’ll wait. So I go inside and lock the door and try to grab the phone. I missed the call but checked the caller ID. Of course it was her and she immediately called back. I told her that he was still out there waiting.

I go back to the door while talking to her on the phone. He’s all mumbling that he doesn’t want her to hear but he wants to ask me something. So I tell her to hold on and lower the phone to my waist. It’s really hard for me to understand what he’s saying to me because he’s talking really low and basically mumbling. Now, dear readers, after finally understanding what he was getting at, I am really terribly sorry that I am not able to transcribe the whole conversation because it would’ve made the whole incident 1000% more enjoyable than I’m sure it’s already going to be. What I did get was something like this:

him: Do you like coke?
me: No, I don’t do ANY drugs. [yeah, right]
him: Yeah, I do remember you telling me that now. You don’t even drink, do you? [complete bullshit, we’ve never had anything remotely close to this conversation before.]
me: No, not really, I don’t do anything.
him: [I think this is what he said] Hey, listen, can I step in and out for a minute?
me: What? NO, you can’t come inside.
him: C’mon, I’ve got $50.
me: No, you’re not coming in this house.
him: Well, we don’t have to go in there, you can come to my place.

[Now it really dawns on me what he’s getting at.]

me: Uh, no.
him: I can give you $50.
me: No man. No.
him: How much then?
me: No way, that’s just not cool. I’m not down with that at all.
him: I don’t mean any disrespect or anything. You know I really dig you, right? You’re kinda fine and all. I don’t mean any disrespect.
me: No, seriously. That’s not cool, I’m not down with that. If this is what this conversation is about, you just need to go and please don’t come back around again.
him: Aight, it’s cool. I’m sorry. I’ll holla at ya.

Then I went inside, double-locked the door loudly and started talking loudly into the phone to let him know I was still on it. My best friend drove back by to make sure he was gone and he was nowhere to be seen.

To sum it all up for you in case you didn’t catch it: I got fucking propositioned for paid sex by a fucking crackhead!!!

After thinking about it for a minute, I was almost honored and let me tell you why. Consider that your average crack rock costs about 20 bucks. He was willing to give up at least 2-3 crack rocks to be able to fuck me. It that some high-priced ass or what??? Hear that ya’ll??? A fucking crackhead was willing to give up his rock to be with me. Him paying me. Not him offering to fuck me or blow me for money to buy rock. Have you ever known a crackhead? I have. I’ve lived with one for several months. This supposedly “straight” man whored himself out to all kinds of nasty men so he could get his crack. Ol’ crackhead D wanted to do just the opposite. How beautiful is that?

Goddamn I must be hot. “[I’m fine] like a black woman. [I] got a black woman’s ass.”* I’ve got serious junk in the trunk. I’ve got the bodacious gadong-a-dong-dong**. JLo ain’t got shit on me. This shit ain’t lined in gold muthafucka. This shit is lined in PLATINUM!!!

I think Imma take my fine ass to bed now. Holla!

*Direct quote from a black guy hitting on me one night at the Landing.

**Courtesy of Urban Dictionary.com
gadong-a-dong-dong
1. A fine ass worth watching, and possibly exploring later.
2. For a larger ass, simply add more “dong” on to the end.
3. From the Missy Elliot song “Work It”.
4. If you didn’t know already, Missy Elliot is from P-Town (VA).
Standard:
“and you think you can handle this ga-dong-a-dong-dong”
Supa Fly:
“dammmmmmmmmn she got the gadong-a-dong-dong-DONG goin on!”
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